Just another short update so as to not keep my blog dead hahah!

Gotten my mid-year examination results today and they were really terrible as always. Bs and Cs throughout. Has anyone of you ever tried so hard to revise and study all day for hours, and at the end of the day, you get results which aren't what you wanted, and they are just so horrible you don't even want to look at it?

I really find it so infuriating whenever I study so hard for hours, burning midnight oils, just to get all these shitty results. Anyone feel me? As though my results are playing a joke on me. Seriously?

I have never once studied in my life, not even during my PSLE. Like what on earth is studying to me? I was even playing maple story when I was having my PSLE hahahah ! Well, of course, I regretted. The only time I ever studied was during secondary 2 end of year examinations because I didn't want to get into the last express class, (and I didn't, thank God) and when I began Secondary 4. But studying seems so redundant because even when I've studied, I'm still getting the same old atrocious results.

It's my O levels year. I will be taking my O levels in about 5 months time, and I'm still getting atrocious results. Worse still, I will be taking my Chinese O levels just next Monday, less than 3 days from now, and I only got a B4 for Chinese. I want to get an A1/A2 and I have to. But looking back at my Chinese results makes me feel like it's likely to be possible.

The only motivation I can get from my results is from my class position hahah ! 10/40. It may seem to be something I shouldn't even be proud of, but for once in my entire secondary school life, my class position is below 20 and no words can describe how elated I am. Of course, a class position can never help you with anything because it's not as though you'd be able to get a job with shitty results by telling your boss, "but boss, look at my class position, I number 10 leh". *sighs*

Imagine all that you're working so hard for, with all that stress, anxieties, depressions, etc you have to face, it's only just for that one piece of paper which would determine your life and your future.

I don't know what to do anymore honestly. I study and study, and up till now, I've never gotten a single distinction for any of my subjects this year. It's so demoralising I swear, and I really feel like crying. But what's the use of crying? It's not going to make or do any significant help at all. The only thing I can do is try harder. But what if you've already tried your best, and it's still never enough?

All I know right now is that no matter what, I've got to stay strong and persevere no matter what. If any of you guys are facing similar situations like me, convince yourself that no matter what, you can cry/scream/have emotional nights/etc, but NEVER give up. All these will end, definitely. You just have to keep ongoing. Once everything is over, you'd be able to look back all that you've persevered and suffered so far, and savour the ending moments of all these excruciating past and I'm sure the feeling would be really comforting.

Like how after I'm done taking my Chinese O levels, I'd be able to say "fuck you, Chinese" because after that, I'm never ever gonna take Chinese anymore. I think when that moment arrives, I'd definitely be on cloud 9.

And when the "good" comes out, you'd know that all the terrible things that have happened, would all be worth it. Good luck, all the best, and 加油 to me and you guys ! ○^__^○

Speech day has been over for like #%@%! ages ago, and I finally got the time to blog about my school's speech day concert. Omg I'm so slow hahahah ! This year's speech day was a really memorable one, since it's my last speech day choir concert. *sobs* I'm so gonna miss performing so badly.

I can still vividly remember the times I had in choir when I was only secondary 1, how I often got picked on by my ex-conductor cuz he thought I was an ahlian -___-''' Asshole right?! I think he got prejudice against ahlians/ahbengs lor. Well, I did hate choir before because of my conductor, and that was why I often skipped practices. But when I got to interact with him more, he's actually a really fun and hilarious person to be with. He was always full of jokes and craps hahah !

But then unfortunately, he wasn't there to celebrate our last speech day concert, cuz he went MIA (missing in action). We really miss you Mr Yiong...

So in a blink of an eye, it's my last day in choir already. Time honestly flies like no tomorrow.

Took lots of photos that day, so i'm just gonna elaborate more on each photo okie !!! ^__^

FIRST UP !

Oh yes, I didn't mention something !!! Actually, it was rather surprising how I could actually perform. Because I skipped ALL the practices, and only turned up for the rehearsal day, but then I was automatically deemed as performing. Hahahahah i'm so annoying :p Paiseh to those who turned up and practiced very hard for every practices ! <3 <3 <3

Before we're about to perform... but first lemme take a selfie ! ;D

Selfie with Kristine ! ^__^

Hi May !!! I look so tall woots ! :p May, thanks for being such a wonderful and great soprano leader. Love you loads !!! <3

Super sweet junior of mine !!! <3

Look at my eyebags. Gosh, I look like I got whacked LOL

My smile looks distorted ):

My face looks so sharp omg ! Good job kristine, I like your camera angle muacks <3 ! ;D

Yozxc kristine, my favourite junior ^__~ !

I AM SO TALL WOOOLALALALALALA !!! ~ SHIOK ONLY PLEASE ! XD

My friend said I finally looked feminine here. Hmmm, I think I looked gay though, with all that lady-like posture and everything hahahah ! So unlike the usual me please !!! :p Credits: kristine !!! <3

Chnaged back to our uniforms. Toilet selfie time heheheheheh :p

Featuring our school's toilet ^__~

Featuring my awesome class, 4-6 ! ^__~ And yes, that's my form-teacher hahahah ! P.s. : Photo taken during speech day. Hahahah yah, my teachers YOLO !

My form and co-form teachers !!! :D I think they look like mother and son steady HAHAHAHAHAH !!!!

Super candid photo please, and stacey (the girl on my right smiling like a pedophile :p) looks like, "hey i'm gonna molest gillian now and I feel like the happiest person on earth muahahahah" HAHAH !

After speech day ended, we proceeded to taking small group photos, featuring my classmates heheh !

All of us doing the "boon yong pose" hahah ! ^__^ (The 4 guys at the back fooling around aren't my classmates, they extra only lah hahahah !)

Boon yong pose no.2 !!!! :p

Boon yong pose hahahahah !!! (and she's boon yong btw ^__~)

MY JASMINE FLOWER <3 <3 ALSO KNOWN AS POKKA GREEN TEA !!!! <3 <3 <3 My classmate since sec 1 ! <3 She may look like an introvert and very quiet, but I tell you hor, looks are deceiving. She very ass one, always guailan and kp me, then tell me i'm the only one she guailans zzzz what a meanie !

GREEN TEA OH GREEN TEA ~~~~

SHE DAMN TALL I SWEAR YOU ANNOYING ONLY MAKE ME TIP-TOE #sadlife

Our awesome + yolo shot ! ;D I like awkward only sia, step one model while the rest... errr....

Inspired ghost, SCARED NOT ?! >:D Don't know what this jarran trying to do when he has like super short hair??? Fail lah fail lah, don't come act cute please HAHAH !

ALL SCARED OF ME HAHAHAHAHAH ! I'm sadako, malaysian version :p

Hi ashlyn hahahah ! My face so act cute I kenut

Yozxc hahahah my face cannot make it sia, but who cares anyway ! :p Hi Ashlyn babe, I love you ! <3

MELISSA, AKA BLACKIEEEEE HAHAHAH HI BESTIE <3 LOVE YOU ! (P.s. I look damn unglam and awkwardzxc)

Photo with my form teacher HAHAH ! SORRY, I had a poker face and it can't be seen cuz it's just too ... Hahah shall present to you a beautiful flower photo instead to brighten up your day !!!! :p

HWEE FONGGGG HEHEHEHEH <3 <3 Hi noobie :p

With randall !!!! ^__^ I swear he's abnormal, he's a freaking giant omg he's like 180cm ++ ?! ABNORMAL TO THE MAX

Form teacher !!!! ^__^ Okie, I look damn scary here, like "anyone who offends me would be killed" hahahah pardon me :p

Shall present to you what an actual awkward pose is HAHAHAH !!!! Stacey and I ! :p (it was on purpose btw)

Presenting Jarran's lousy photography skills hahahah !

Hi jarran ! Cuz we think we advertise our food, we very cool hahahah !!! :p

Who says a mixed school can't have lesbians ?!?!?!?? Muacks jamie, my lover HAHAHAH !

Come, let's kiss mua mua :* >:)))) HAHAHAH !!

SHALL PRESENT TO YOU THE LAST PHOTO OF THE DAY !!!!!! HEREBY PRESENT TO YOU, MELISSA'S CUTIE PEDOPHILE FACE HAHAHHAHAHAHHAH !!!!! XD (Melissa, you know I love you, I really do. So please don't kill me, muacks <3)

So yup, that sums it all for the entire speech day !!! So gonna miss choir, (miss performing to be exact heheh :p) Had a really great 4 years with my CCA. Standing down now. Goodbyes ~ Sayonara T^T !!! <(￣︶￣)> []~(￣▽￣)~* (￣﹏￣) (￣ˇ￣)

I was never bothered by the fact how people came into my life and just leave. I've always felt that if anyone wants to leave, I would just let them go. I wouldn't plead them to stay, nor would I even bother asking them to stay. Why? Because I don't see a point in making them stay. They already have the intention to leave, so what to plead them or even bother to go through all sorts of means just to make them stay? And so what if you managed to make them stay in your life? The fact is, they've already had the intention to leave before, making them stay wouldn't actually mean that they wouldn't leave again.

Furthermore, they could only be staying only on the reason because you want them to stay, and not because they genuinely/sincerely want to stay. Would you honestly be happy if you're able to make someone stay, but they're not staying because they actually want to?

It's like being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you. So what if you're able to have this person? You don't have their heart at all, isn't it all just so pointless and meaningless? Cuz at the end of the day, you'd just be so depressed, insecure, paranoid, hurt, and there's nothing you could do about it.

I've trained myself to be independent and to never rely on others, but only on myself, as well as to learn to live without having to need anyone. That's why I wouldn't bother if anyone wanted to leave. If they want to leave, go ahead. I wouldn't bother to make you stay at all. Having myself would already be enough, I can do without having anyone.

This was how I have always thought, how my mentality has always been. Why? I'm just so sick and tired of how people often come and go. Honestly, I don't want to lose any more precious people or things in my life again. But am I capable enough to prevent all these from happening? Nope. No one is. This is just part and parcel of life.

When you lose somebody, you can't do anything. You'd only be left with a hole in your heart where that person was once in.

Truthfully speaking, I'm already used to or immune to how people just leaving my life without a reason or just out of the blue. After my grandmother passed away, my life was shattered. On top of that, after my precious hamster died, I shut everything away from me and it was how from then that I got used to how people left me. Because even the dearest person and hamster which I only had in my life, and meant everything to me, had already left. What more have I got to lose?

I know some of you, or perhaps all of you would be thinking, "huh why her hamster also mean everything to her sia?" Or "hamster only, what can an animal who can't even speak or do anything at all, actually mean so much to her?" Haha! I get it, it just sounds ridiculous I know. But hey, never judge or assume until you hear the story fully.

Unlike almost all of you, I have no one, literally no one in my family whom I could share my problems with, whom I could trust, whom would be there for me, whom would show me even the slightest tinge of family love or care, basically no one who'd actually treat me as a proper family member. Only my grandmother. However, she passed away.

Subsequently, I'd gotten a hamster named hamham (typical hamster name hahah) and she was my first pet. She was the only living thing I pathetically shared my problems to and cry to whenever I fell out with my family members at home. She was the only living thing at home with whom I could share my things and problems. She just literally revolved around my world at that point in time, since I was just a primary school kid with 0% of freedom to go out, thus I would spend the majority of my time with her.

But we all know, all living things tend to die someday, it's inevitable. Well, she died on 30/9/10. My parents disallowed me to get another pet, and that was how I resorted to writing a diary since 13, all the way till now. I think the majority of you guys are fortunate enough to have at least 1 person at home who'd be there for you, who'd side you, whom you could trust. Everyone around me tends to have at least 1 person in their family for them. Be thankful and count your blessings, really. You have no idea how blessed you are, even if you only have 1 person for you.

On the other hand, having no one isn't all that bad as well. There are definitely advantages and disadvantages to every single thing that happens in life. Most of you, or probably all of you, think that life is unfair. True. However, life is fair in a way that even if you lose something, you'd gain something in return, vice versa.

In my opinion, I think that the advantage of not having anyone would enable and allow you to learn to be down to earth, independent and to rely on your own. You'd also be able to appreciate even the slightest things people do for you, and you'd be able to know the true value of certain things which many people aren't able to because they are just that fortunate and blessed enough to not go through traumatizing life events which would cause them to ponder and not take things for granted.

Like I said previously, although I wouldn't care enough to make anyone stay if they wanted to leave, I would care enough to ensure that people who are precious to me, stay in my life. It's because these people whom you are fighting for or trying so hard for, to make them stay, means the world to you, that you don't mind sacrificing for them to make them stay. Because they are that precious to you, and you just can't do without them.