I wouldn't have thought there would be another entry to come after nearly 5 years. 

I am so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings, I do not know where or how or what I can do to alleviate or dissipate them. 

My family lost a part of us on 11th April 2024. 

Today, 16th April 2024, was the very first time I went to Mandai Crematorium and witnessed the full ritual of bidding goodbye to a loved one, for eternity. When I heard those words, "goodbye, I love you", it shattered my entire being. 

I had my fair share of experience of a loss when I was 10, when my grandma passed away and I witnessed her burial. It was so painful even as a 10 year old, and I knew this was a kind of pain I would never want to go through again. 

16 years later, the memory of watching my grandma getting buried is still vividly etched in my mind. I don't think I would ever forget that. 

Would I consider myself privileged for not going through such an experience again in the next 16 years? Maybe I should. But today, today was utterly heart wrenching. 

I have never seen both my brothers cry in years, perhaps a decade. But today, I watched them break down and torn apart, and it was a scene I beg God on my knees I would never want to see again. 

Watching what happened unfold for my brother was so painful and unimaginable. Receiving a text from him telling me, "i really don't know how to continue my life without x", was heartbreaking. My brother is such a kind and good person, so why this ordeal on him God, why? 

It took me so long to overcome the pain and grief following my grandmother's passing. Was I too complacent for taking my time to process the loss? I don't think I have completely healed, and now, facing a similar experience is resurrecting the same agonising emotions I felt 16 years ago.

Every loss I am put through destroys a part of me. No words can fully acknowledge the magnitude of the loss one experiences, and perhaps the overwhelming and inconsolable nature of grief is what makes it so difficult to navigate. 

I am always reminded the departed ones are in a better place now, and we should find solace in this. We should celebrate their living in the memories that have been made. Like what Kodaline said in Angel: 

And there are things in life we can't explain
In the blink of an eye everything can change
So just appreciate the little things
'Cause you never know what tomorrow brings

I think it would take me a while to recover from this. 

May you find peace, joy and love in wherever you are. Thank you for being a part of us, and always will be. I will see you again someday. Rest well angel. 🤍