I was on the bus travelling home alone and all these thoughts came to me. It's like how long bus rides always give you so many things to ponder about all the time, and the majority of them are all the sad things lol.

I just hate myself so much on the fact that I really really really don't know how to cherish someone, or some things and then tend to regret it for life later. I'd often tell people to always learn how to cherish someone or some things because nothing lasts forever but the thing is, I don't even do it myself. I'm so contradicting... 

Many often say, "Cherish those you have in your life because you never know when they won't be there anymore." That's like so easy for you or me to say, but having to do so is so damn hard to accomplish. It might be easy for you, but it's really impossible for me. The cold, hard fact lies here. Everybody dies someday, it's inevitable. That's why we are all bound to lose people in our life.

True, isn't it?

The thing about myself is that, whenever I tell myself to cherish this or that, I would. But it's not for long before I take them for granted or when I lose them then it is when I will only learn how to.

The one thing I fucking regret most in my life is being unable to cherish my grandmother when she was still alive. In the past, I used to detest her and I found her annoying. Why? Because back when I was much younger, I used to suck my thumb all the time to sleep and when she's around, I can't suck my thumb anymore because she will scold/hit me. I really love sucking my thumb like a lot, (i mean seriously, don't laugh !!) and she's like preventing me from doing my favourite hobby whenever she comes to Singapore from Ipoh, to take care of my siblings and me during the holidays.

Not only that, she likes to make bitter-tasting herbal teas and force me to drink/ don't let me play my Gameboy only after I practice the piano/ always don't allow me to feed myself, die also want feed me/ always using the cane as a form of threatening, etc.. These were some of the reasons why I didn't like it when she came over to Singapore. Hahahah ! Funny right, all these silly reasons.

But it was all due to the brainless, imbecile, foolish, ignorant, self-centered, and immature me, I did not think the way she did. I only knew what she was exactly doing for me only after she was gone.

Like, why was she always preventing me from sucking my thumb? Cuz it was a really bad and embarrassing habit.

Why did she always boil those bitter-tasting herbal teas for me and force me to drink? Cuz no damn herbal teas are sweet-tasting and every herbal tea is nutritious, nourishing and they are healthy. If she didn't bother about my health, she wouldn't even take hours to boil these herbal teas just for us to drink.

Why did she not allow me to play my gameboy, only after I practice finish my piano? Cuz my mum had told her not to let us play if we didn't complete our work. She'd get scolded if she allowed us to play without completing our work.

Why did she always insist on feeding me? Cuz she thinks that I was still unable to feed myself and she was afraid I might not be able to do so properly. Although she often uses the cane as a form of threatening, she has NEVER once caned us. She might use it and wave it around to make us scared, she will never hit us with it. All that she has done for me, they were only for one reason. That is, she loves me and I was so fucking dumb to only realise it when I was matured enough and that was too late, she has already left.

My grandmother is a great cook too, and she always cooks my favourite dishes all the time when I tell her to. She was always hanging the key-chains I gave her on her mini tree at her house and display them on the table. She was always singing this song to me whenever we were holding hands, walking. It goes like this, "走,走,走走走,我们小手拉小手,走,走,走走走,一同去郊游" Some of you might have heard of this song before probably. :-) 

As I grew older, I started to love her. She was the closest kin to me, more than my parents because she spends the most time with me the most. We often shared things among ourselves and she was damn open, please. My grandmother freaking told me about sex when I was only 8 years old, and I can still remember all the details HAHAHAH !!! :p I started to be really happy whenever she came over and I'll be like proudly telling her I how many days never suck my thumb already HAHAH !!!

It was on the 1st of August 2008 when I last talked to her on the phone, and that was the last communication I had with her when she was still alive. I still remember what we had chatted over the phone. It was her birthday, I wished her and I told her to come back to Singapore to cook for me. We made a promise, whoever comes back will have the chance to hit one's butt LOL !

So it's like if I came back to Malaysia, I can hit her butt, if she came back to Singapore, she could hit my butt. Hahahah !! Retarded right ! ^__^ Unfortunately, on the 2nd of September, 2008, just one month after I chatted with her, she passed away... She left when she was only 65 years old. Honestly, I'm really willing to give up 10 years or 20 years of my life for her to live I swear. Why did God take her away from me? Why? Till now I have no clue why she left. It's so painful... Even till now I cry whenever I think of her. I miss her so much...

The only thing she has left me with was the blanket she hand-sewed herself. Even till now I'm using it and I have been using it since I was 6 years old. I still remember all the silly jokes we shared and had together. Like whenever she sneezes, I will say, "没有讲 (never say) excuse me !" Then she will say, "excuse me" laughing. ^__^ Sometimes when I fight with my younger brother physically, my mother would throw us out of the house and my grandmother would always be the one to open the door for us... But not now anymore when I'm thrown out of the house hahah...

No one has ever cooked porridge or cooked anything for me when I'm having a fever, no one has ever massaged my leg for me when my leg's having a cramp, no one has ever patted me to sleep, and many more. These are the things only she has done for me and I doubt all these would even happen to me anymore.

This is a photo of my beloved grandmother, myself and my big brother. Taken on the 29/12/2001 as you can see in the photo, and that's when I was 3 years old. As you can see I'm like damn fair with a mushroom head and my grandmother was rather tan because she works under the sun in the past. (The colour of the photo came off at my head there cuz the photo is just too old paisehhh)

Even up till today, I still tend to take things for granted and then regret it later on. I guess this is merely human behavioral problems and it's literally inevitable. My family, my friends, people and things around me. I often fling them aside and take every moment they have with me for granted. Even when I try my best not to, I'll just forget and when I lose them, that's only when I know the true definition of having to cherish. It's always too late when I learn how to.

5 years have passed and I still miss her so much. If only you were still here, I really want to thank you for taking care of me all these years, I've never thanked you before and I'm so sorry... Sorry for being such a mischievous, rebellious and defiant grandchild to you. Even so, you're the closest and the only kin I love most. You're the only kin I have in this family who has show me what genuine family love is, and I can't thank you anymore for that. How are you? Are you enjoying your time in heaven now? I miss you...