I honestly wonder how do people with suicidal thoughts feel? Do they feel extremely alone? Left out? Hopeless? Having no purposes in life anymore?

Has any of you ever felt so lonely to the extent that when you think of who your close friends are, there seems to be none? Not that there are none, you think these few people are your closest friends but then they don't see you the same way as you do.

Does it depress you to know just how lonely you really are? I do.

I really feel extremely desolated, despondent and in a state of despair now.

Back in secondary school, sec 3-4 specifically, I was filled with many people I could call my close or best friends. I wasn't lonely at all. I was really happy,

Now that I'm in poly, all my friends have separated and we all have started on our new phase in life. Of course, everyone would make friends and there are definitely some who'd think that poly friends are the best, or sec school friends are the best, vice versa. For me, it's the latter.

In poly, there isn't a single person in school I could rely on. Whenever I need help, I don't know who I could look for. Even when I have a few friends I could call to ask for help, I'd be afraid or I'd think that they wouldn't want to willingly help or they'd find me a burden or pain in the ass. That's how disturbed I'd feel because I don't want to be seen as an annoyance, a burden or a hopeless person.

It's rather saddening how I'd have to rely fully on myself and do everything on my own even when I really need help. Like I would constantly tell myself, Gillian, you have to be independent. You were brought up that way at home, and you will be able to do so in school. But you know, no matter how independent I could be, there are still times when I really need a shoulder to lean on. It sucks now because I really have no one's shoulder to lean on anymore.

My close sec school mates have already found new friends or boyfriends/girlfriends, and most of us are extremely busy to catch up. Thus, leading to the fact that we've all drifted and none of us are that close anymore.

I envy each and every one of them because at least they have 1 person for them. Be it their boyfriend/girlfriend, their poly friends or even their family. For me, I really have no one. I really have no one I could say I'm close to, or is my best friend, or I could lean/rely on, or seek help from. I really feel so pathetic and extremely hurt.

Why must people keep on leaving me? Why?

Why don't I have at least a single person there for me?

Why is it that everyone, at least, has 1 person there for them, but I don't have any?

Even when some people don't really have friends, they'd always have their family.

I have none.

I know I should be thankful that if I need help now and if I called my sec school friends, they'd be there to lend me an ear but then again, we aren't as close as we are anymore. Everyone has moved on and started with their new life, but I'm the only persistent, foolish and stubborn one still clinging on to the past.



I'm now living a life of pure solitude and I really wish someone would see the suffering I am mentally going through now.

It hurts so much to find out or realise that you didn't mean as much to some people as you thought you did.


God, I just have 1 wish. I don't want anyone dear to me, to leave me anymore. Even if the "close" friends I have now doesn't see me as a close friend anymore, I really hope time wouldn't take them away from me. I had enough experiencing people leaving me eternally already, I really can't take it anymore. It's excruciating.

I'm so afraid as time passes, my friends would gradually drift apart from me. You guys are the only ones I have now in life.

I lost someone who loved me dearly and I regret it so much. I'm a failure in cherishing people or things. I'm so sorry.

How I wish time would stand still during secondary 3-4 because it was then when I truly felt happy.

I really wonder if I'm gone, would anyone be sad? Would anyone cry? I really honestly doubt so.

Someone recently told me I always seem so cheerful and always not taking things so seriously at all. Yes, I seem that way because I don't want anyone to know that in reality, I'm actually breaking down every single moment because I don't want to seem weak at all.

Unfortunately, we're all humans. We all have a limit to how much we can take in and I really think I've far exceeded my limits. I'm already at my breaking point...
I feel like I'd break down soon any moment.

I really miss the feeling of being loved so much...