I've always felt never good enough. I believe there are some of you guys out there who feel the same way as I do too and the feeling really sucks so much, it hurts a lot.
Apparently, exams are over and I got back only a few of my results today. My results were the best I've ever had so far in my entire secondary school life I swear. I got back Physics, Chemistry, Chinese, Social studies and Principle of Accounts (POA) today.
After getting back the first half of my results, I was really contented with my results and I felt so proud of myself after all the burning of midnight oils and studying really hard each day for my exams. During that period, it was really a torture for me because I was heavily deprived of sleep and I felt like I could break down at any moment. So finally, my hard work has been paid off. But my working hard wasn't only for my future, it was also to gain the acknowledgment and attention of my parents.
I was always seen as the most defiant, laziest, brainless, and useless one in the family. I've 2 siblings, an elder brother, and a younger brother. So yes, I'm the unlucky middle child. I always feel that i'm never good enough, very inferior, and really left out in this family. Whenever I went back to Ipoh (Malaysia, my hometown), my relatives would always be praising my 2 brothers, and I would always be the only one not mentioned. Every single time. I've never felt any family love, ever since my maternal grandmother passed away. My mum would often be bias towards my younger brother, while my dad doesn't really pay much attention to me but to my elder brother, thus leading to the fact why I would feel really lonely and left out in this family. "The centre child is always at the disadvantage", and I truly believe in this statement.
In my parent's eyes, I'm always that defiant, disobedient, brainless and useless person. My brothers were smarter and more capable than I am. So in order to live up to their expectations, I tried all means just to gain their attention and I wanted them to at least acknowledge me. Is that so hard to ask for?
I was so excited upon sharing my results with my dad because I really felt they were satisfying and I made a very huge improvement as compared to all my results so far. I was already playing scenes in my head, desperately hoping for him to praise me and give me a pat on the head. When I got home, I went up to him and said, "Daddy, I got back some of my results today." Instead of asking how well I had done for my exams, he asked me how many subjects I failed. So I just said I failed POA, and before I could share the achievements I was proud of, he started lecturing me, talking about my future and all that. I mean seriously, I understand the concern you have for me towards my future, but instead of saying all these, couldn't you just say a sentence or even a word of encouragement? I failed, you could have at least told me to try harder next time and then continue with your lecturing. But no, not even a single word of encouragement came out from your mouth.
It's alright, I put up with all your lecturing because I knew they were words for my own good, but as I continued listening to what you've got to say, tears just suddenly welled up in my eyes and they trickled down my face. I cried, not because you didn't encourage me, I cried because no matter how hard I worked, how much effort I put in to change and try to be a good daughter, I can never ever be good enough for any of you. After all, you've got to say, I braced myself to tell you all the achievements I felt proud of, you did not even mention anything about it and ignored the achievements I felt proud of.
No words could describe how disheartened and hurt I was. All that I've ever wanted was for you to recognize me, acknowledge me, or telling me to try harder next time that's all. Just a word of encouragement will do. Is it too unreasonable to ask for? Is it too much to ask for??
I really don't know what do I have to do to have you look at me and to acknowledge me. It's so hard and tiring, trying to live up to your expectations and yet neither of you see me the way I want to be seen.
I've tried, I'm tired.
When will I ever be acknowledged?
